Not Gay But Okay With It Bro

A few weeks ago you were sitting where you are now, and this older guy was sitting where I am now, and the whole time, the other guy kept looking at you like he was checking you out. To be clear: you’re not the kind of guy who goes around assuming everyone is checking him out—you may be cocky; you’re not that cocky—but this guy was staring. Not just in your general direction but at specific parts of you: your arms and chest and the line where your stomach disappeared into your shorts.

First you were ignoring him and then you just stared back: free country, right? And he saw you looking at him looking at you but he didn’t seem embarrassed; he just said, “Hey, what’d you do to get a body like that?” A body like yours, you guess he means, jacked but not insane, lean under a layer of muscle. You’re telling this story while looking yourself over like, What, this old thing? A bead of sweat rises on your upper lip and you flick it away.

So you said to him, “I dunno, man, you gotta lift weights I guess. That’s what I do.” You were trying to be helpful but you had a feeling he didn’t want to get his body to look like yours, he just wanted your body. You especially had that feeling when he followed you into the steam room, not even saying anything to you after that first thing in the sauna but acting like, Oh what a coincidence that we both decided to go steam at the same time. And then he followed you into the locker room, at which point you were like, okay, creepy, but he still didn’t say anything to you so you didn’t call him out on being a stalker.

Gay guys are always into you, is the thing. Last weekend you were walking out of the bar and your friend was like, Hey Michael, someone wants to meet you! And of course it was a gay guy, which your friend thought was hilarious. But you just went up to the guy all casual and were like, Hey, nice to meet you, thanks but I don’t swing that way, no offense. But I totally appreciate it. And he was like, Nah, it’s cool, and then he was gone.

Your friends don’t get that you don’t have to be gay to be polite to a gay guy, even if he’s hitting on you. You can just take it as a compliment. Because gay dudes are into solid bodies, which must mean you have one, which is—right?—the reason you’re here at the gym.