In a lecture class, put your feet on the back of the chair in front of you and rest your elbows on your knees. You can put your head on your fists and look like you’re paying attention. Wear a baseball cap. With your face shadowed by the bill, nobody can tell if your eyes are open or not, especially when you’re 17 rows back. And who would care, anyway? Your pissy lesbo TA? Your blind fucking psych professor? Sit in the back, sit in the back, sit in the back. Do not sit in the fucking front rows. Not even for the hottest girl you know.

Buy all of your supplies with your student ID and save your cash for the bars. Your student ID is also your library card, your campus charge card, your meal card, and the key to your dorm. Charge those supplies: everything gets billed to mom and dad. Right. Just mom. Whatever, King, I fucking get it. Charge everything you can to your mom. When you shop at the campus store, the charge always rings up on the bursar invoice as campus store. It’s not itemized. Books come up the same as pens which come up the same as computer equipment which comes up the same as posters and, conveniently, the cigarettes in the campus store’s snack shack. Lighters and beef jerky and Pringles and Gatorade and string cheese ring up just the same as the gold-rimmed cufflinks with the university seal on them and condoms and energy drinks and those little shot glasses bearing the Cornell logo. Get notepads, pens, pencils, a new calculator for your econ class. Get CDs, The Big Lebowski on DVD, a big bag of Swedish Fish. Get the whitening gum while you’re at it. How about mom’s birthday present? They sell cards. They sell mugs with the university seal on one side and My Kid and My Money Go to Cornell on the other. Fuck it. Charge it. It all rings up as campus store.      

Remember that who you fuck will be known before the condom is off, so choose wisely. And if you’re fucking the right girls and if you don’t get tied up in a relationship—save it for Law school, dude—be prepared for the world to know how big your dick is, whether it’s curved or two-toned on skinny or shaved, how hairy your ass is, how quickly you ejaculate, what dirty shit comes out of your mouth, what your underwear looks like (keep them clean), and whether you like to fuck from the front, side, bottom or behind. Everyone will know if you stick your finger in her ass. They’ll know if she sticks a finger in yours. Do not let her stick a finger in your ass. This is college life, King. Love it or leave it.