You will drink beer and brown liquor like you’ve seen your father do. Right. No father. No worries. Drink beer and brown liquor. That’s how the men do it. The girls will drink blue or green or pink cocktails in stemmed glasses, or else they’ll get rum and cokes or vodka tonics. Except for the girls on the lacrosse team or the field hockey girls or the tall-ass lady rowers or the giants on the softball team, all of whom are probably stronger than you, or the mean little soccer bitches whose hard asses, when flexed, could chop your dick off. Those girls will drink beer and whiskey. They will drink whatever. They will do keg stands and get in loud fights with one another and with you, and the next day, they’ll lie about it to their coaches. They will pop a squat in your yard or in the woods or on the gorge trail. Whole teams will get mono at once. Entire off-campus houses of Division I women will be hungover on the same days. Some of those girls will fuck you and your friends and then deny it to your face.

Don’t forget for a second that girls are just as filthy as guys. You will see many women throw up. After a few drinks, they’ll be spilling. And then they’ll want to dance. And then they will puke. Get used to it. They’ll swallow your come because, if you do this right, you’ll get your dick sucked all the time. They all think you love it when they swallow your come. They’re right, aren’t they, King? You love it. Of course you do.

Never take any class that meets before eleven—noon’s even better. Sit in the back unless a girl wants to sit next to you and she insists on sitting in the middle. If she wants to sit in the front, sit in the middle anyway. Let her sit by herself. 

Take large lecture classes. Use the Take Note service. That’s what it’s for. If somebody’s already been paid to attend the class and take the notes, then why in the fuck would you sit there writing shit down? Isn’t that a waste? Isn’t that inefficient? This place isn’t about getting carpal tunnel from typing shit up like some asshole. It’s about being smart enough to get through it without killing yourself. It’s about getting laid, King, and hanging with your boys. It’s about getting a fucking job and rolling in it.