YELP REVIEWS BY HARVEY: VOL. III

Pierogi in my mouth. Every day. 

I came here, one of my favorite semi-upscale places in Wicker Park to think about the situation with my GF.

I'm always surprised at how empty it is for how good it is. The whole "new american" being brought into "new european" is super cool. 

And again, pierogi in my mouth here. every day if I could.

But what I really want to talk about is the atmosphere. It's so...sheik. Flooded with cool lights you feel like you should be wearing a black turtleneck and having a conversation about typesetting when you walk in. This is the way I like it. I think the word is Metro? Is that the word they use for these things? Where all the people are just so, METRO. 

Oh, and then there are the pierogis. you know where. 

I only dock a star because the service can be a bit slow.

Harvey out!

SOAP.

That's all I have to say. I gave Jerry's another try like I always have. Hey, I like sandwiches! Hey, I like choices! Especially all the choices that are on this menu. Look at all those choices. 

Hey! I'm confused, lonely, wondering if my GF is even ALIVE at this point, so I'll give Jerry's another try. I'll comfort myself with a GOURMET sandwich.

Oh Jerry's you never fail to consistently deliver 2 things:
Sandwiches that taste like soap.
Soapless bathrooms.

I mean, I walk into the bathroom to wash my hands of the guilt of the day and BOOM! no SOAP. What's the deal here Jerry's?

Then I order my sandwich and it's like, "Oh, there's the soap. Hey everybody, I found the soap."

I hope you do.

Harvey Out!

So I had to come here and pick up a few floor lamps (all of mine were completely destroyed from the raid on my house. I mean, I know these people were looking for something, but how could I have hid it in a lamp?!).

Busy busy busy. That's what's going on here. The parking lot is almost unusable, luckily I found a spot right next to a black escalade with tinted windows. Huge! I rarely get to see escalades, but Walmart pulls no punches.

Then I get in and there are so many aisles...how am I supposed to be enlightened to the location of the lamps (boom)? I ask an employee for help and all he says to me is "if you can't find the lamps you got bigger problems than a dark apartment."

I have no idea what that meant, but I catch the reflection of two dudes in black suits and sunglasses behind me. Yes, the lighting is so harsh some people need to wear sunglasses inside.

I finally stumble upon the lamps and their selection is abysmally low. There's like, a desk lamp and a floor lamp left. This is supposed to be Walmart man. It's like Wall Street, but for marts instead of streets. This should be the platonic ideal of a mart. All I'm saying is I've been to marts that are much closer to unattainable perfection than this one. 

So I pick up the two lamps they have and wait in line for what feels like an hour. I mean, REALLY!! Mike Duke, I'm coming down to Bentonville to talk to you myself! You gotta learn how to open up a store in an urban environment. 

Plus people are rude here. Those dudes in the sunglasses and the suits ran into the woman behind me in line, pushing her into me and almost knocking my backpack off. They didn't even apologize. I was like "hey guys, that was sort of rude, maybe you should say sorry to this lady," and the tall one with peppered hair just stared at me and whispered something to his short red-haired partner.

The kicker is that I get outside, a lamp per arm, and out of nowhere I get punched in the cheek. It was a left hook that sent me flying right into the arms of the short little ginger, we'll call him lucky, and he swept my feet out and got me on the ground. Both lamps fell from my arms, the small one broke immediately and the large one gave way to my pelvis. Then Lucky WWE jumped on me, knocking the wind out of me while the tall one, I'll call him Sandman, started trying to pull my backpack off. 

I bit Lucky and threw my right heel up to catch Sandman right in the Hancock building. I was able to stand for a moment when Lucky jumped on my back like a Koala. I was running circles around the parking lot with this crazy suited dwarf on my back while Sandman was regaining himself and getting up. At this point I knew I couldn't win two on one.

But an angel was watching over me. A Walmart security guard named Gerald appeared behind Sandman with his gun drawn (they have guns?!). Lucky jumped off my back and hopped into the black escalade. He screeched by and Sandman jumped in.

I couldn't believe I just got mugged outside of a Walmart. Gerald was sweet and made sure I was alright before going back to his noble duties. I told him I wanted to take him out to dinner sometime as a thank you and gave him my card. 

The two stars I'm giving to this Walmart are for the superior security service. Unless you plan to use this service, I'd stay away.

Harvey out!

Let's just say complete French Luxury.

I stepped into the Sofitel after realizing my apartment probably isn't a safe place to be (after the ransacking and the attack outside of Walmart I figured somebody was after me and it has to have something to do with this envelope). Also, it seems that my review where I talk about the ransacking has been removed from the AMC yelp page. I don't know what's going on, but it's something big.

But, if I need a place to hide out, doing it in luxury is the only way to do it. As I came in through the doors I was greeted by the scent of Le'Occitane (however you spell it) and the sweet sounds of French dip thongs.

The bathroom is almost as big as the room, and I love bathrooms. I think bathrooms are what make hotels and what breaks them. Do you see five stars above this review? I think you do. Guess what that means? A rock star bathroom with views of the lake. 

Then the concierge. OO la la, as the French would say. I needed to know some places that were classy but I could lay low. She just came through for me. A concierge like this could make Yelp obsolete (OH NO!)

Still no word from Noelle. I'm have moved beyond being super worried and am now freaking out. I just have no idea what to do and I'm afraid to go to the police. What if it's nothing? What if I'm overreacting? I don't even know what I'd tell the police. 

One weird thing about the hotel is that my room phone keeps ringing and and when I pick it up there's just silence on the other end. I've called down about it and the front desk can't seem to do anything.

Finally a call did come through though and it was Noelle's dad. Haven't heard from him in a while! He said to meet at some place called "The Drawing Room" tomorrow at 5pm. It's right near the hotel! The Sofitel is in the heart of Chicago.

Harvey Out