Every two weeks, our lifestyles expert, Cosmos Catalano, will answer your questions. Have a question for Cosmos? Write him at cosmos@wagsrevue.com.
–Paper or Plastic from Redmond
Hi Paper,
I think some of the main trouble here is that honesty is something as grey as the sunset. Who’s to tell if the girl was a boy or the boy was a girl? He or she may have been a shapeshifter altogether...
I’ve always wondered about the possibility of otherworlds, ghosts, that sort of thing. How are we to even know when, as you bring up, one moment your eggs are together, and the next they are cracked? When one moment you have paper and the next your bag is plastic? The fruit is preserved, and yet every common sense human being knows that fruit is perishable; only jam can be preserved. These things and more lead me to believe that something is going on, here. Something big. And while I want to be a part of it, I know that many may have to die.
I hope this helps,
Cosmos C.
–Big Game Lover Outside Cody
Dear BGLOC,
I’m currently sitting on a couple thousand pounds of dried and cured circus meat. I imagine you’re thinking about investing in a similar endeavor. Let me give you a few tips I learned along the way:
- They don’t taste like “circus.” You’ll get people who will ask, “I love circus peanuts. Is that what elephant tastes like? Does it taste like circus peanut?” or, “I’m scared of clowns. Keep the circus away,” or, “Cotton candy.” No. These animals are fed a protein-sawdust slurry, and that is what they taste like.
- Transport, then kill. I can’t emphasize this enough. Too many get this wrong and end up spending thousands on circus “product” instead of circus “animal.” There are actual websites that will scam you with promises of “recently alive” and “some still breathing,” but take a look at the fine print. The discounts are given by middling acrobats who elect to “dump” the animal product after it expires but resell it online, instead. By the time your order arrives, decomposition has begun and the meat is only useful to the Vietnamese.
- Use earplugs. Circus animals scream.
There are a myriad of other tips and tricks I could provide—like “Salt, don’t sugar,” and “Rubber boots are your friend”—but I don’t want to spoil the experience. Your first circus animal delivery is difficult, but come three months later, you’ll be noshing on your first Bengal tiger steak, and believe me: you’ll be glad you got “in the biz.”
I hope this helps,
Cos.
–Up All Night from Tallahassee
Dear Upall,
Sex. It’s what humans do when they are called to mate.
Sex has always been a way for a man and another man to let each other know they are interested in pursuing the rest of their life together. You can always tell a gay man by whether or not he is having sex. It’s why, when you see two men together but they’re not having sex, you know they are not gay. I find that it is extremely difficult in the daytime to notice gay men. Obviously in Europe it is easier.
But in the American nighttime, when you look around, you will find them. In windows, sometimes, or I’ll check the foyers of buildings to see what’s going on there. I do know that I had neighbors I shared a fire escape with, and I had a feeling they might have been gay, because they were both men, so at night I did sneak out there and look, but no one was home. I found this to be very interesting. I wrote them a note about it to slide under their door, but the two had moved out by then.
It’s funny though—sometimes I’ll stand downtown, and I’ll twirl around with my arms outstretched—it’s rush hour—and as men in suits pass me, I’ll try to touch them. Most shy away. Are these ones bi? We may never know.
I hope this helps,
Cos. C.