DEAR COSMOS | The Wag

Cosmos Catalano

June 8, 2012

Every two weeks, our lifestyles expert, Cosmos Catalano, will answer your questions. Have a question for Cosmos? Write him at cosmos@wagsrevue.com.

Dear Cosmos,

My best friend and I are having an argument over ethics. It’s my practice to rent CD’s from the library, burn them to my computer, and then promptly return them. My thinking is that nobody’s getting hurt in this process, and since I return them right away it doesn’t even affect other patrons. My friend thinks this is akin to stealing, but I don’t see the issue. Who’s right here? Ten bucks and a lifetime of free music ride on the answer.

–Checked In from Phoenix

Dear Joaquin,

You’ve chosen a good forum to speak to me. I can’t be reached by phone. My voice mailbox is full, and my carrier doesn’t let me out of the contract for another eight obscene months.

I thought your work in Indiana Jones was weak. You were just a boy, and Harrison Ford is known for upstaging everyone in his films. Don’t know what your agent was thinking. But what’s good is, I feel like you dropped off the map long enough that, if you are thinking of getting back in the game, no one will see it coming. It’s how if Antoine Dodson wrote a book, everyone would be interested in it, especially if he wasn’t a liar.

With the thief situation (wink wink), let’s just say hell is a place thieves burn. If he can’t stand the heat, then he should get out of the library, because he will die there, along with all of his riches and the whores that enjoy them.

I look forward to your response,

Cosmos Catalano

Dear Cosmos,

Just a few weeks ago my sixteen-year-old cousin began undergoing chemotherapy to treat a tumor in her leg. I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do for her, and it’s occurred to me that maybe I should buy her a gift certificate to a really good wig shop: she’s at such a self-conscious age, and I know it’s just killing her that all her hair has fallen out. Do you think that might make her feel better, or would it only make her more self-conscious to know that I’d responded to her changed appearance? I want to do everything I can to help her through this, but I don’t want to inadvertently make things worse.

–Chemo Cousin

Dear CC,

I’m so glad I caught your email, because I was running out the door. My cousin is in this fashion contest. I don’t know what it is.

To help your cousin, why don’t you tell her “GET. OVER. YOUR. LIFE. IT’S. ONLY. TEN. SECONDS.”

Because she can’t take it? I wonder if she’s ever seen a fashion show in her life. I can tell the girls in those shows work hard, because they only have about ten seconds on-stage before they leave and never come back. Ten seconds, CC. That’s hardly enough time to read a sentence. I wonder if your cousin wants anything that badly.

In addition, is she a runner? If so, then she needs to focus on bigger issues like how to get into the Olympics. She’s not getting anywhere in bed.

Best,

Dear Cosmos,

I recently bought a pair of white sneakers from Zappos, thinking that white would be “in” for the summer. Long story short, I was walking my dog when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a store window. Cosmos, I am NOT a white shoes kind of gal. My issue is that Zappos doesn’t let you return worn or scuffed product. I’m guilty of both, and I need to know if there’s a loophole or maybe a cleaning technique that I’m missing? I NEED to return these shoes, please help!

–Not So Pearly Whites in Ontario

Dear Whites,

Let me guess. You want me to help you lie. I lied once in my life, and my father killed my dog for it. Two bullets, straight into Sid’s skull.

Best,

Cosmos

Cosmos Catalano was born in Hyde Park (the England one) and moved to America with both of his parents in the seventies. He has published several important papers and is currently working on a large musical composition. He resides in the Midwest.